I have been on a never-ending search since I came home to understand why I cannot let go of certain experiences and people from my past. I have read countless articles and books, listened to hours of music, watched several movies, and yet I still could not find an explanation.
I am happy to report that I finally discovered the reason why. I found an article (click here to read it) which summed up everything perfectly. Even better than I could have ever imagined. Everything just clicked as a read it in a moment of pure clarity.
I was never supposed to forget about my past in the first place!
The past had made me who I am today. An impact that will remain for the rest of my life. I am not the same person that I was before. These important changes that occurred within me cannot be undone and nor would I want them to be.
I was trying so hard to forget everything and move on. However, I missed the whole point. The moments in life that are unforgettable are often the most significant.
There are many things in life which are not meant to last. But time is irrelevant. It’s the lessons that we learn along the way. Lessons that may take a minute, an hour, a day, or several years.
We can choose to look at the past as a burden or a blessing. How we choose to view our life is our own choice. It’s all about perception.
I will move forward knowing that I am a better person for having experienced my past. I no longer see it as a burden but that I am truly blessed. And when those reminders of the past come creeping back in my mind, I will smile. Because I am happy to have those memories and I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.
“The bigger the wall, the bigger the heartbreak” – Me
Okay, please don’t judge me for what I’m about to admit. I went on Tinder this past Friday night and I met up with a guy. This was one of the most spontaneous things I have ever done. I talked to him for maybe an hour and decided to meet him. The mini date went well but I had no desire to go on a second date. Nevertheless, I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and taking a risk. It was scary as Hell. But exciting at the same time. I was nervous and my stomach filled with butterflies. However, I pushed through the fear and did it anyway. Why am telling you this story? Because life is about pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and this story is a perfect example of that.
Let’s take a few steps back for a minute. For most of my whole life, I have worked extremely hard to build up emotional walls around myself so that I wouldn’t be hurt by anyone. I have lived up to other people’s expectations and conformed to what I thought everybody wanted me to be. I put a mask over my face to conceal my true self. I’m playing a role in the play called Life. But at the same time, I’m being inauthentic. I’m not being who I truly am inside because I’m afraid. Terrified of letting people in because what if they disliked what they saw. But I’m tired of living a lie and pretending to be someone that I’m not.
I had some huge realizations today. By building up walls around myself, I was protecting myself from darkness while depriving myself of the light as well. What happens to a heart that is closed off from light? It becomes a black hole. Destroying anything that comes within its proximity. Over time, the heart begins to sabotage itself by feeding the darkness. It becomes cynical and apprehensive. It questions everything. This is the point where blocking off your heart backfires. Because not feeling anything is much worse than feeling pain.
Within each of us, exists darkness and light. The Ying and the Yang. An internal balance of energies. When you shut down and refuse to become intimately connected to others, you throw off that delicate balance within. The light within can never be fully extinguished because it is the light of our soul. But it can become diminished (If we allow it to be). And sometimes we don’t even realize it’s happening. That is until the Universe intervenes.
There are certain people in this world who have the ability to reignite the hearts of others. They have the special superpower to break through the walls that have been constructed. They can shine in light where there was once only darkness. Through this, miracles occur.
We often look at heartbreak as a bad thing. We wish that it had never happened or that we had never met those people. But sometimes we needed our hearts to be broken wide open. To have an intense energy surge through our being and cause that small flame of light to become a raging fire. A spark to awaken us to the love that’s waiting to enter our lives. But that future love requires us to be open and receptive not closed and dismissive. Through heartbreak, we learn to feel again. We allow our selves to heal without building up new walls. We are exposed and we are vulnerable. And it doesn’t always feel good. But it is necessary. Because we are meant to shine our light and experience love.
So, let’s take a moment to thank those people from our past who allowed us to rediscover our true selves. The ones that pushed us outside our comfort zone and made us uncomfortable. Because without these unsung heroes, we may still be stuck in the darkness. They allowed us to remember why we’re all here on this planet. In order to be connected and come together for a greater good. I send a big thank you to all who have broken down my walls and broken open my heart. Without you, I have no clue where I’d be. The lesson in all of this is there is always a silver lining in everything that happens. Stay positive and always keep your heart open. For you never know when love might cross your path 😉
Until next time and sending you all my love as always,
“When you have nothing else to hold onto, just let go” – Me
This week may prove to be one of the hardest of my entire life (which is pretty impressive because I’ve had some rough ones in the past). I found myself freaking out today over the fact that I have two finals coming up in the next few days and I am absolutely terrified. I’m not even sure where to start with studying for them and it’s truly scary. I feel helpless and overwhelmed.
I’m sure I’m going through what thousands upon thousands of students across the country are experiencing right now. Finals week sucks (to put it nicely). I am not a fan of taking tests and I get pretty bad anxiety from them. Not sure if this is a control issue or not. Or maybe it’s just the uncertainty of everything. What does the future hold after graduation? What am I going to do and where am I going to go? I’m not sure where the anxiety comes from but it’s no fun at all. I spend most of my time trying to calm myself down and maintaining the thought that everything will work out for the best. There’s no need for this amount of stress. Like seriously, ever.
I felt compelled to write this blog post for a few reasons. One, I wanted to distract myself from my own thoughts. Secondly, I wanted to remind everyone out there who is currently going through a difficult time, to keep moving forward. Stay present and take steps toward your future. Trust that you are where you need to be right at this very moment. Enjoy life and do the things that make you happy. Life is too short to worry all the time. Worrying is pointless anyhow. It’s usually never as bad as we imagine how it’s going to be.
We can never give up. We must always stay positive and reach for our dreams (whatever they may be). We are allowed to FEEL. Sometimes we get depressed or happy or anxious or angry. But you know what, it’s OKAY. We are all human. Stop trying to run away from yourself (it’s actually impossible to do). Embrace every part of you. The good and the bad. None of us are perfect. The paths we take in life are often curvy and sometimes include many detours. But we will get to our final destination. Remember, it’s truly about what we learn along the way. Life is a journey, enjoy it!
My faith and trust in the Universe is increasing in such an enormous way right now. All I have left is the hope that everything will be okay in the end. And I know it will be. But you can bet that I will be saying prayers every day until graduation (which is a week away!). I will get through this because I know that I’m only given what I’m strong enough to handle. I believe in myself and I know I am destined for great things. We just need to take one step at a time. That’s all that you can do.
In the words of Dory from Finding Nemo, “Just Keep Swimming!”