“Don’t be someone that searches, finds, and then runs away” – Paulo Coelho
So my confession is that I have a tendency to push people away. That’s the secret that I’ve been hiding for quite some time. I’ve become an expert at getting close to others on a surface level and once it begins to feel too intimate or personal, I quickly back off. Sometimes I just stop all communication and other times it’s a slow “lost touch” type of situation. I don’t know why I do this. I tend to judge others and as soon as I find a fault, I’m like “Screw this! I’m out.” I’m so terrified of getting hurt that I put up an invisible barrier to protect myself from the world. But is it really protecting me? Not so much. It’s only keeping me isolated and alone.
As soon as someone does something “bad” or I discover a characteristic that’s “wrong” about them, I run away with the excuse that it was the other person whom was the problem. Maybe all of this stems from my childhood where I was hurt beyond measure. Whether it be the countless bullies who tortured me about my weight/looks/etc., family who lost faith in me when I was going through difficult times, toxic friendships where I felt less than and insignificant, a parent whom cheated and caused a painful divorce, or the many times of unrequited love (a few of which left my heart shattered into a gazillion pieces). My past experience has led me to the present where I find myself having a hard time opening up to and trusting others.
I realize that I must break down the walls that I have built or I will never truly find the love that I know is out there waiting for me. But let me tell you, it’s freaking hard. Being vulnerable is scary as hell. The thought of being my true self around someone and letting them know everything about me is quite terrifying. What if they don’t like what they see and then they leave? Sometimes, it’s easier to shut things down before they even begin. However, this is not the solution. I cannot keep running away. I must deal with my feelings and work through them. Allow people to see the real me and if they don’t like it, then that’s their loss and not my problem.
I don’t want to be anything other than who I am. No more pretending to be perfect. I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else. I want to be surrounded by people who care about me. People who are there for me no matter what. People that accept every piece of who I am (including the good, bad, and the ugly). I want to create a life where I feel supported and loved. Because that’s how life should be.
I have many things about myself to work on. Practicing non-judgment and acceptance is a good place to start. By focusing on the flaws and imperfections of others, I’m only fueling the judgment and criticism of myself. And by constantly cutting people out of my life, I’m avoiding true human connection. Plus, I’m missing out on valuable lessons. Remember, everyone we meet has something important to teach us.
So, I’m going to work on letting people into my world. Yes I may get hurt or rejected but at least I will be putting myself out there. No regrets. I am courageous and I CAN do this. Here’s to being open, genuine, and loving. I totally got this 😉
And to all the people from my past that I’ve run away from or cut out of my life due to fear, I send you my sincerest apologies.
Until next time,