Currently, I’m going through a whirlwind of emotions. I don’t know where I am or where I’m going. All I know is that my heart hurts and there’s nothing I can do about it. All I can do is feel the feelings and allow myself to grieve the loss of something that once was. I have recently decided to end all communication with Harry from New Plymouth (for those of you unfamiliar with this story, please refer to the blog post entitled “New Plymouth – Part 2“). This is not because I don’t deeply care about him (which I absolutely do). It’s because the relationship was so incredibly intense for me that it was consuming my life. It was unhealthy for me. Maybe we’ll start talking one day in the future but not right now. I need to put some distance between us. I feel bad for going radio silent but it’s for the best. The hardest part is walking away.
I’m not sure what to make of this whole situation. It has truly turned my world upside down and I am definitely not the same from going through it. I honestly believe that we meet everyone for a reason and I am positive that Harry and I were meant to meet each other. We challenged each other, we taught each other lessons, and most importantly we grew as individuals from being in each others presence (kind of like soul mates guiding each other through life). I wish it was easy for me to just ignore my feelings and continue to be friends with him. He does have a way of making me laugh and smile with such ease. But the pain that follows our interactions is almost too much to bear. It tears me up inside. Maybe because I know he still has a girlfriend back home in England or because I know he’s flirting the exact same way with other girls at the same time (like he did when I was sitting right next to him in New Plymouth).
I just wish I knew why I cared so much. Breaking up is extremely hard, even when it is just a friendship. And to think I didn’t even date this guy for goodness sakes! I’ve never had that many close relationships with the opposite sex and even fewer ones that have broken my heart. I’m not used to feeling this way. But from all the literature that I’ve read on this subject, the easiest way to get over a breakup is to keep pushing straight through. Some days will be really hard and others will be better. It’s all a process and it does take time. Sometimes lots and lots of time. It’s important to feel your feelings completely and talk about it (hence why I’m writing this blog post). Love can be like a drug and you can become addicted to some people. I was addicted and this is my road to recovery. This is not the first time that I promised myself that I wouldn’t contact him anymore (I think it might be my 4th time). But we all have relapses in love sometimes. You get weak and you’re curious to see what they’ve been up to. That is until the emotions flood back and it overwhelms you all over again. I know better than this and I am better than this. Lesson learned.
It’s going to be difficult. I am certainly going to think about him and be urged to contact him. How could I possibly forget about someone who has made such a big impact in my life? It’s okay to cherish the memories but you have to stop when all you do is keep reliving the past. The past is behind us and we cannot go back (no matter how much we may want to). The only thing we have control over is the present. I had a brilliant thought this morning after waking up that perfectly explains what I’m dealing with. My heart has been cut wide open and is actively bleeding. Every time my wound begins to heal, I choose to tear it open and pour alcohol all over it. This is what happens after I breakdown and contact him. How much pain do I want to put myself through? The answer is zero. I despise pain and I think most people would probably agree with me. So the ultimate question remains…Is the excitement worth the agony that will inevitably follow? No, it’s not.
For anybody reading this who is currently going through a painful situation or a breakup, I hope that you find peace and love. Know that these things DO get better and we WILL make it through this. It’s all about forgiveness, for yourself and others. It takes a lot of courage to forgive and follow your heart. Stay strong and keep moving forward. Always move forward. And remember to be patient and compassionate with yourselves as you navigate through the grieving process. Live and learn but don’t forget to love somewhere in the middle. That’s what life is all about. I would have rather loved and lost than not loved at all. I know the right guy is out there somewhere and when the timing is right, we’ll find each other. I have a strong faith that everything will work out (because the truth is… it always does). Positive thinking is the key.
Part of missing Harry may be the fact that I miss traveling. I definitely miss New Zealand and New Plymouth terribly. Maybe I associate him with New Plymouth and that’s why it’s been so hard to let go. But it’s time to let go. I need to move on with my life and focus on myself for a while. Find what truly makes me happy and passionate. Find my inner light through the darkness of this pain. I still have no regrets about anything and I would do it all over in a second, without changing a single moment. But the past is in the past and I must stay present. Set my sights on the future and whatever it may hold. Be open to new possibilities and maintain this new found vulnerability that I have discovered. Vulnerability is a prerequisite for falling in love and I hope to make take that leap sometime soon. We will see what happens. Wish me luck!
Stay tuned for more updates about my travels coming soon. Love you all and wishing you well as always.