Painful Revelations and New Beginnings

Published May 15, 2015 by Maryann Kate

Okay y’all, it’s time to get real. And I mean really real. I’m about to be extremely candid and honest right now about myself. This is terrifying but also very liberating. I sure hope you’re ready cause here we go!

I’ve realized something really important yet really painful about myself recently. That realization is that I don’t love myself. I haven’t loved myself in a really long time. I’m not sure when I stopped loving myself but I believe it was somewhere in my early childhood. I know there are many factors that led to this loss of self-love and the reasons are not the focus nor the importance of this blog post. The reason I am admitting this to myself and to all of you is to start the healing process. This lack of self-love explains a lot about the way my life has turned out thus far and also why I have yet to find love on the outside. I have to find the love on the inside first.

I grew up in a family, who God bless them, can be very judgmental and critical at times. I too have grown into a very judgmental and critical person. For most of my life, my Mom has been telling me to not be so serious and to lighten up. Maybe I am too serious. I know that I should be laughing and having more fun in my life. However, that’s easier said than done. I do my best to stay positive and to spread good will. But I struggle with accepting others because I don’t accept myself. I criticize everything about myself (especially my body due to being bullied for many years). But the first step in changing anything is to admit that you have a problem. So now that I have pinpointed my lack of self-love, I can move forward to changing that.

I’m finished feeling self-conscious about myself. Who cares if people don’t like me? The only person who needs to like me is me. Actually make that like into Love. My goal is to be comfortable in my own skin. My goal is to be happy and to spread love to others. And it all starts within myself. I refuse to keep attracting unhealthy relationships and negative situations into my life. I deserve better than that. I am better than that.

So from this moment forward, I vow to work on accepting myself as I am and learning to love myself as I did when I was a small child and the world was a much simpler place. I AM worthy of love but it starts with myself. I will focus on myself for once instead of hoping some guy will come rescue and save me. I must save me. Once I learn to completely love myself, the outside love will come. I like to think that my future partner is out there in the world working on himself at this very moment and when the timing is right, we will meet each other.

I want to be able to give love openly and you can only do this when you hold love for yourself. So no more bashing myself. No more negative comments or harsh criticisms. No more judgment. Only kindness and compassion. Because if you can’t give these things to yourself, how do you expect others to give them to you?

I want to apologize to all the people who I have judged, criticized, gossiped about, or just been plain unaccepting of (whether it was verbal or nonverbal). I am truly sorry and I hope that you can forgive me. You are all wonderful and beautiful human beings. Every person and situation that I’ve had in my life has taught me many valuable lessons. And to that I am very grateful. Plus, I wouldn’t be where I am now if my life had turned out differently. It’s all working out in a perfect way and I have full faith in that.

Would I have realized all this is I had not taken this journey away from home? I’m not entirely sure. I may have figured it out but it may have happened many years down the road. I’m just thankful that I did realize so that I can work on changing myself for the better. To let my true self shine without being embarrassed or ashamed of who I am. It’s my life and I’m going to live it how I want. That is my goal… to continue being fearless and free.

I love you all and I hope every one of you has the courage to face your demons just as I’m facing mine. We all deserve healing in our lives and we all have the choice to start whenever we wish. Why not start now? There’s no time like the present and I’m choosing now 🙂

Until next time,
~Maryann xoxo


2 comments on “Painful Revelations and New Beginnings

  • What a truly beautiful letter Maryann. You know what the meaning of mastery is? It is the ability to Love yourself. To be able to look in the mirror and see the Devine in you. To love yourself and understand who you really are. I would say this was an excellent journey of self discovery. I for one, am very proud of you Cookie. Lots and lots of love. xoxo

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